Them Dems
by Frank Benjamin
August 15, 2003
ST. PAUL, MN -
Here is my take on the contention for the Democratic Presidential Candidate.
I intend to analyze the various candidates according to the features which
are most important in a presidential race. This is in no way a scientific
measurement, and should not be considered as such. This opinion is void in
the following states: Texas, Lousiana, Mississippi, Florida, Hawaii, and
Alaska. Some side affects of this opinion may include, but not be limited
to:...
In re: The Democratic Party
The Democratic Party is a political party which is not a part of the
Republican Party. As such, it will be casting forth a candidate--a rival
candidate--to challenge George W. Bush in the 2004 Presidential election.
This candidate could be anyone (this is America), but will more than likely
be one of the following individuals:
Representative Dennis Kucinich. Well, I hope not. I like the guy, and
he has some policies, but he's way too unattractive to be elected President.
Bush is better looking than he is. Kucinich seems to have something wrong
with his teeth. Dentally, he's just not presidential. Additionally, he is
not an exciting speaker. He. Speaks. Too. Slowly.
Representative Carol Moseley Braun. I like her. She'd be a great
president. She's attractive, and would break several records at once if
elected. Of course, she would never be elected. If by some freak Star Trek
wormhole accident she were elected, she would probably be assassinated.
It's a sad state of affairs, my friend.
Representative John Edwards. This guy is another Southern Democrat,
which have been the only viable Democrats since JFK. Edwards has a good
record litigating the shit out of corporate hospitals and hospital
corporations, so I like him, but he would be hit with the dirty words "trial
lawyer" by the Repubs and no one would like him. Americans hate lawyers,
but even worse than just lawyers are those lawyers who actually take cases
to trial. Plus, I can't remember what this guy looks like. He couldn't
win.
Senator Joseph Lieberman. He's okay if you like old conservative white
guys who hate pop culture and speak in monotones about dry egregious
circumstances. What's the deal with his hair? The president has to have a
better coiff than that. He looks like Sipowitz on NYPD Blue, only older and
sans any hint of emotion. How about his voice? Jesus, Joe, talk out of
your throat, not your nose.
The Reverend Al Sharpton. How dare he talk about racism in America?
That was all, what, 20, 30, 500 years ago, right? But there is something
even more offensive to me than his claim of something that doesn't exist
(like the rumored candy heart in the Raggedy Ann doll--how many did you tear
apart in your saccharine-lustful childhood?)--his weight and his hair. That
hair is exactly like Joe Lieberman's. As far as his weight, this is
absolutely unacceptable. Think about the last time we had a fat president.
I can't remember one in my lifetime, Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon
notwithstanding. And he just isn't viable. How do I know this? To be
elected president, one needs, among a myriad of other things, the respect of
the media. The voice of the media says he is not viable. Ergo...
Representative Richard Gephardt. There's no way the American People
will elect someone with red hair to be president. Even if his hair isn't really
red, a lot of people have the perception that it is. What about his
monotone? Monotone voice, monotone skin, monotone hair. Monotone loss at
the polls.
Bob Graham. One of the few Democratic Candidates to vote against the
autorization to go to war against Iraq, because it was too dovish. I don't
know enough about his looks to judge him as a candidate, but he is from
Florida, so he should have a good tan. On the other hand, we've never had
an orange-skinned president.
Howard Dean. He's good-looking enough, so he does all right on TV in
close-ups, but stand him next to Bush in a debate and it's over before the
first salvo. He's short. Our presidents must be tall, because many other
world leaders are tall and it wouldn't be fair for the President of the
United States to stand on tip-toes to see over their shoulders. Thus, Dean
is not a viable candidate. He's had a couple of good ideas--Ben & Jerry's
ice cream comes to mind--but he tries to paint himself as more progressive
than he actually is. He has been considered the maverick in the campaign so
far, which works both for and against him. However, once people realize how
short he is, they will never vote for him.
Senator John Kerry. I used to confuse this Massachusetts senator with
Senator Bob Kerrey of Nebraska. They're both Vietnam combat veterans. To
avoid the confusion, Kerry should get the nomination, and he could name
Kerrey as his VP running mate. Can you imagine the debates between
Kerry-Bush and Kerrey-Cheney? Kerry could ask where Bush was during the
Vietnam war (AWOL from his Texas air base) while the future senator was
putting his money where his mouth was. Kerry even killed a guy. He could
stand up (he's tall enough) and ask Dubya, "How fast can you disassemble,
clean, and reassemble an M-16?" and when Bush gives him his jive answer,
have an aide bring out two of the assault rifles for each to disassemble,
clean, and reassemble. Kerry is also presidentially attractive. Plus, his
middle name starts with an F, so his initials are JFK. This will pull on
the nation's heartstrings. I personally believe that Kerry is the only one
who even stands a chance of preventing a Bush election in 2004. He's got
foreign policy savvy... wait, people don't care about that. He's good
looking and tall, and a fairly engaging speaker. Kerry/Kerrey in 2004!
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